Stop Trying To Fix Everyone Else

Full transcript

Anthony and I were discussing the direction of the show, and we finally came down to it. Accountability is leverage. Anthony one day surprised me with a text message and then shows me the hats came in, the shirts came in. This is the new direction, guys. Accountability is leverage. And now we have the gear to show. Anthony, floor is yours, my friend. It's showtime. This is a new direction for the Anthony Eamon show. Here we go. Get involved now.

I'm excited because it really stands for it's me and it's the mission I believe in. And I want to spread to others. Take accountability for your own shit. Figure it out and use that to leverage your advantage.

And it's simplistic. That is the key. And it applies to all walks of life, all people. Accountability is leverage. And once you realize that and you take accountability, you get leverage. Because and the whole point about it for me, it makes sense for me because most people don't. Most people don't take accountability. But once you do, everything changes. That's why I'm going to start with this episode first. Yeah. Okay.

Relationships. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Let's talk about it. Yeah. Because I'm very honest with going with my own life. And it accountability and taking accountability for everything. I had to learn recently is not just strictly blame everything on you and you always trying to fix it. And relationships is where it starts growing into a gray area. Okay. So the saying goes, you could change, but you can't force someone to change. When you take force to water, you can't force it to drink. 100%. So how do you adapt building accountability in your own life, changing who you are inside of a relationship? Whether it's a spouse, a friend, employee, coworker relationship, parent, siblings, you have all these different types of relationships that we navigate in our life. So at what point looking at each relationship do you say, oh, it's me? And how do you always uphold accountability in yourself to help that relationship evolve?

Damn. Well, I think, well, what I agree with what you said. Trying to be the guy that fixes it all takes the power away from the other person who's taking accountability. It takes the power away. They have to be accountable. Accountable doesn't just mean it's mindful. They have to be willing to fix it also. Otherwise, they're not growing because you're always the one to come and clean things up. And that's true. Yeah, think about it in that point. So the question becomes you have to, you have to eventually get to the crossroad where the question becomes yes, they're accountable, but is accountability enough? Is it really leverage now? Yes. Only if you act on it, though. That's what that's what. So what I'm saying is accountability is leveraged if you do something about it. I was just talking to an employee. It's cool taking accountability. I love that. You already, 75% of the job is done. You took accountability. I'm wrong. It's my fault. I love that. You got it. But now what are you going to do about it, though? If the problems persist and it's consistent, you keep doing the same thing, then what's the point of taking accountability? You have to actually make change. I'm an alcoholic. Beautiful. Now what are you going to do? Gonna go to rehab. I'm going to stop drinking. I'm an alcoholic. Beautiful. What are you going to do? I'm going to bust those cans open like Austin 316 and I'm going to keep drinking. That is not, there's no change. Okay.

Your spouse is an alcoholic. What did Xiao do? What is the person willing to change? Doesn't matter. Xiao. Look at Bolsonaro. The person changes the both person doesn't change. What is taking accountability for yourself when your spouse is an alcoholic?

If the person doesn't want to change, you gotta leave. But how how does that have to do with taking accountability? This is what I was thinking on the last. I mean, but how how are you how are you accountable? Hey man, this is tough. You can't be accountable for everything. Yes, you can. So if somebody no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. How are you accountable because someone else chose to- This is what I had to learn. Okay, explain that because that's the lens you look at accountability in. Okay. But how in that situation would you be accountable?

Who who do you owe your number one priority to? Your family.

No. Well, yourself, of course.

Yourself.

Yes. To start. Yeah, but then secondary.

So if you hold number one priority to yourself, is it beneficial for yourself to have a relationship with someone when they're not refusing to change and it's creating more and more rift? Uh you gotta cut them off. But how are you accountable though? Because you keep holding on to the relationship. You were accountable. Yeah, you are accountable for the one constantly trying to make that relationship work. So you get to, it's looking at it from a lens. I always thought I take accountability for everything, I can come in, I can fix it, I can take any scenario and I can make it better. And that ultimately we make that relationship better. But what I had to learn over the last two weeks is I'm accountable for myself first, and myself being to put myself in a state that I can leverage all opportunities around me for the positive, right? So if I constantly engage with a toxic person and I try, I try to set boundaries, I set expectations of what we're trying to do, and I give it my full force. There's that point to myself, it's okay, you got to move on, and there's your leverage. Because now what you do is when you split off from that, you didn't say, Oh, it's bad, I'm leaving. You put the work in, right? Okay, good. You set the boundaries, you cut the expectations, try. But then if that person still doesn't budge on that, for the benefit of yourself and everyone else around you, you have to cut it.

Hmm. Is that really love then? What? So that means you you love yourself more than well. Let me ask you do you love yourself more than your wife? You don't have a choice.

Let me give an example. I love thinking in extremes because it helps take these ambiguous gray areas that people get caught up in and say, oh, well, that one scenario, nah, then it's not true. It doesn't hold if it doesn't hold out in extremes. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right. You have to test it all. Your spouse, you married for 30 years, decides that they want to beat you with a baseball bat. They hate you, they push you down the stairs. No, this shit happens. You're gonna stay at that person and say you love them?

Yeah, seriously.

Who do you love more than? If you loved that person enough, you'd stay with them and take the beating. Because love beats all, apparently. No, your health beats all. You come first. So there's limitations to everything.

Besides one person. Yourself. Which is why. Yeah, so accountability, I get it.

Let's take it a step further. Because I had this great conversation with my wife. I said, This has been so top of mind for me the last two weeks, so it's been really good to like talk about this. I went to her and I said, Are you happy? With yourself. And she gave me a number. Are you happy independent of me? And she said, Yeah, it's good. Because your happiness cannot be relying on me. I agree with that. My happiness is not good. Is not reliant on you. Instead, make you happier. Exactly. You amplify each other's happiness, you amplify each other, you grow with each other. That's truly the sign of a healthy marriage and a healthy love. It's not reliant. If my wife beat me with a baseball bat, pushed me down the stairs, she never will. So but just in case, thinking like an extreme example, I would eventually get over her and be happy because I value it for myself first. But the same is true for her, and that's what I love about her. It's because she's able to see that. Like she's able to understand that the happiness isn't forcing her to take my kids. Same thing. If my kids grow up, beat dad with a baseball bat, I love punch them in the face. Not gonna lie to you, Aunt. Dad is passed down eventually. Sorry. I love it.

It's so hard to even fathom.

I agree. It's uh I love my kids more than anything in the entire world. And as they're young and as they're growing and as they're infants, I am their cape caretaker. They cannot survive in this world without me. Yeah, like can't. They'll die in the wild in a day. Yeah, right? Yeah, it's just my job to nurture and grow them. But once those kids become adults and can make conscious decisions, that's it. I you I had I have to, as a parent, come to the realization that they are now adults. I am no longer in control of their lives, they are now more in control of their lives, and all their actions have responsibilities.

But that's the one thing you and I always that's the one thing you and I always disagree with.

Do everything in my power to hold a relationship with my kids.

Cool, cool, cool.

But I cannot I'm not a controller of their happiness because they are not a control of my happiness.

You put you you did so is there any limitation? Okay, for example, say your daughter grows up, God forbid her husband and her get a divorce, does she always have a home with you? Or no? You gotta find your own way. What kind of parent are you when it comes to limitations?

Depends on the scenario.

But will she always have that place? No matter what.

If she and her have a great relationship, yeah, definitely. If she beats with a baselvat and burns my house, no.

Now I get what you're saying. No matter what, regardless, you just don't forgive for everything. You love yourself more to the point where I'm not forgiving for everything. If you cross a certain line, it doesn't matter who you are. You can love people and let them go.

If you love something, let it go. It's a very simple say the whole time.

True. Wow.

Me loving you has nothing to do with me taking you. Yeah. Because it's beneficial for both of us. It comes to a point, it's beneficial for both of us. I have I know people in my life that they actually beat each other because they both have uh personality disorders. You said mom and daughter have personality disorders. And they punch each other? Yeah, or they they have borderline personality disorders, so they flip. Ooh. And then they if they throw shit at each other, it beats the beats like, and their relationships always get better when they split.

Of course. That's that's clean.

Do this, do they still love each other? Of course, yeah. Yeah.

But it's better to that's not good. So you're right. Okay, so you do have to accountability also looks like leaving. Say accountability also looks like saying no when someone tries to take advantage or goes too far. Correct. When someone tries to control you. It's that's accountability. Accountability for your own life, loving yourself enough to say no, loving yourself enough to stop eating the junk food because it's deteriorating your health, loving yourself enough to go to the gym. That's a different side. That's a different perspective.

Let's take this a whole new level. I've been researching Adlerian psychology. You ever hear of it? Mm-hmm.

Adler, yeah.

Yeah. So Adler and Freud were at the same time.

Yeah, Sigmund Freud.

But people went more Freudian psychology, blaming past, looking into the past, looking into the ego. And clearly, I think that psychology and itself isn't grounded because it's not working in today's therapies. Okay. Whereas Adlerian psychology, the premise of it is you have enough courage, is what they call it, to be disliked. Meaning I love myself so much, it doesn't matter what the people think of me. And he looks at things as in the basis of relationships, as horizontal relationships. Meaning, you and I are no different. We're the same on the same plane, the treatment, the same dignity, and we do for the benefit of the community. And that's what really helps society grow as all. Vertical relationships, one person overpowers another, are ultimately unhealthy. The only time you ever have true vertical relationships is parent with a kid who can't take care of themselves.

Right?

When you're responsible for someone else's life, like now, then you do have like I currently have a vertical relationship with my kids.

Yeah.

They are not in a mental one and a half years old. We're gonna eat dirt all day. But I want to take that to a more practical example for people because it's employee employer. Okay. Is that a horizontal or a vertical relationship?

Man, that's a tough one. It's horizontal because we're benefiting each other. Company's growing, you get compensated for it. I get that part. That makes sense. That's the whole point of signing up. You get paid, you do a good job, you you do, you exceed expectations, you get comp we got that. Vertical in the sense where I hold the power to terminate you and change your life. It's horizontal. Yeah, but how is it not vertical? It's not. When it's horizontal, it's equally the power is equally shared. Vertical, the power is not. So power is equally shared. How? If you hold the power to terminate somebody, yeah, I understand. You change the whole life dynamic completely because they're now hurt financially. That's a vertical relationship. Explain how.

How is that not? You're as an employer need to understand this, and employees that treat it like a vertical relationship are the ones that end up hurting their employees the most. Those are your bosses, an asshole. Oh get me a coffee, go do this, go do that. It's how you talk to somebody at the end of the day. That's true. Now, horizontal relationship does not mean, yet again, you screw up on this all the time, we're best friends. Oh, no, no, no. Why? How do you have a horizontal relationship with the understanding that I'm still your employer? It's understanding his next phrase of being separation of tasks. What are you responsible for? So advanced psychology for a personal self, a separation of tasks, means I, whatever you do in your life basically, is not care. I tell you how I feel regardless of how you act to it. It's not my task to control how you respond to something. If you look at him from more practical standpoint, it's as an employer-employee relationship. What's my task? I am a CEO. What is a CEO's responsibility? Manage the company, make sure it grows. Right? So I have my tasks I'm assigned. An employee, take a trainer as an example, because it's perfect context for us. What's their job? Train the people that come here. Train the people that got and help out, right? Am I training people as a CEO? No. That's their task. Am I getting involved in that and bullying them into things? No. Are they making CEO decisions as a trainer? No. So it's mutual understanding. This is a horizontal relationship. Oh, I think I have to do my job. And you gotta do yours. Which now is branched into firing. Okay. Right? That's why firing isn't personal. I am a CEO. My job is to protect this company. It's part of the job. It's part of my task. So why do people take personally? Because they have vertical relationships. Uh-uh. Because they see it that way. Yeah. Right? So if you're an employee and you get emotional from getting fired, you're seeing it as a vertical relationship. If you're an employee and you get fired, you don't see it and you understand, you can say it's not emotional, it's task-oriented. But it's how that employer makes that employee feel.

Now I see what you're saying. That makes sense. If you're if you personally get hurt from being terminated as an employee, is because you always saw our relationship as a vertical one. Where I had more power than you, I abused you, and now letting you go is another form of me abusing you. And it's not. The reason I'm terminating you is because you're not fulfilling your task that you agreed to do when you were hired. And here are the reasons X, Y, and Z, which I don't have to lay out. But that's this is the reason I'm terminating you versus I'm terminating you because I don't like you the way you. That's different. Now it's vertical, it's abusive. Horizontal relationship. The tricky part is, man, that's a tough one. Would you agree that the employer still holds the power to change that employee's life? Financially? No. Yeah. No.

I'm the one paying you. Get a job somewhere else? It's not easy. It's easier said than done, though. Did you get a job somewhere else? Did you go do something else after you had your jobs? Okay. That's a good point. Why temporarily it'll change it? Are we so self-absorbed as employers that we think that we're the greatest company in the entire world? Oh.

Yeah. I see what you're saying. Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. In that case, yes.

Right? Like, yes. There's plenty of employees that this just wasn't the job for them. And they excel. It's just not a right fit. It's just not a right fit. You can excel and all this stuff. I had an employee quit recently, and it's like, they get so afraid. It's like they tell Amanda, not me personally, they get so free to like see me afterwards.

Oh.

Because they still in the head think I have a vertical relationship. It's like, no, I get it. Like, I have no hard feelings.

Let me ask you something. Yeah. When someone quits, do you ever, have you ever, let's go there. Have you ever taken a person? Has it ever hurt you? For the first eight years. Okay.

I took it personally. Really? How would you, how would you react? Oh, I'd get pissed off or I'd be really upset. I would say it's the end of the company. I've the that'd be extreme. How about now? How's anything now when somebody quits? Do you care at all? Do I care? Absolutely. I want people here. I want to see people succeed. Where where are they truly going to benefit themselves? That's what I look at.

Okay.

So I see an employee. I know that being here is I see them light up. I see the energy. I see the buy-in to the company and the mission. Yeah, I want that employee here, man. There. That's the one you want. Those are the ones I want. The ones that come in, clock out, clock in, clock out. Don't have to drive. Don't care. Isn't it more beneficial for themselves to be somewhere they're energized going to, to be somewhere they love, to be somewhere they're passionate about? Isn't that more beneficial for them? Isn't that looking out for somebody? But if you have a friend who hates his job, what do you tell them?

Quit.

You told John that.

Yeah.

You told John that. So do you take accountability for those employees quitting that are unhappy? What could you have done differently? Do you currently have employees that you can tell are unhappy? I'm sure there are. That you've noticed. Yeah, I know this is gonna happen. So do you take it upon yourself to tell them, Anthony? I think it's best maybe you shouldn't be here. You can say, look at your look at your behavior. I take accountability for my company and the relationship that you and I have in this in in this workspace. And I think it's best you you you shouldn't be here.

I need to get better at it, I believe. But I think that kind of ties into not just employee employer relationship, but everything. Every relationship. Every relationship. And this is something I've always struggled with. Really? The last two weeks, I'm really getting good at it or better at it because I'm trying. I'm so absorbed into it. Setting boundaries and setting expectations.

Okay.

So I've learned in owning a company, it's the employer's fault for not having clear expectations. I agree. So if you don't do your job, nine times out of ten, it's my fault for not giving you clear expectations. Because I said, do this role, not gonna train you, figure it out. Yeah, that would that one is not good. No one's not good. But that's um that's how most people hire people. That's how I used to hire people all the time. We didn't give you this an SOP.

This this I mean, I don't know.

If you have all of that, how many small businesses have that? Uh yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Almost none. Okay, you're right, you're right. We're just getting every single I and T crossed, and we've been working on this for like the last year. Yeah, but it takes time. All right, I see what you're saying. So it is your fault then. You first have to look at yourself. Did I set clear expectations?

Yeah.

Then you have that conversation. You set, I'm sorry, if I never set clear expectations, here are my exact clear expectations, here's exactly how you get there. Then if that employee faults again, okay, do you not know how to do these things I like out? Did I did anyone ever train you on them? Okay. Or did I ever train you on them? Uh-huh. The answer is no, train them on them. The third time around, okay, they're just not getting it, it's not working out. Okay, so you do give chances. Depending on the situation. But that the chance. If it's an expectation rule, yes, I give chances. If it's clear, like you have no sympathy. But no sympathy.

That's not You're not sympathetic. Empathetic.

I'm too empathetic. That's been my problem for the last two weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying to curve is being too sympathetic and empathetic with people.

What was that situation that made you change like that? You just said two weeks. What, what, where'd that come from?

Like just out of the blue? A lot of self-understanding with myself and my relationships, just my uh family, extended family, uh, friends. It's been more than one individual person, truthfully.

But have you seen the change? Had you felt since you put your foot down and said, This is my boundaries. Have you seen a change for the better? Yeah. And have you seen a change for the worst? Any cons to it? You don't think there's any cons at all? No relationships have been sound and messed up a little bit. Why is that a con? Wow. That's what I that's what I'm learning. Wow. I like that. I get what you mean. Yeah. If the relationship went sound, it was never meant to be. So how is it a con? Because I clearly set my boundaries.

Of course, I'd be upset and it's hurtful. And don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be like, I'm cool, I'm goodbye. Like it's gonna take time to recover, but in the long run, I'll be better. And we better for it. That's what I've discovered. It's all a part of accountability. But you first have to take the accountability for yourself to set those boundaries, set those expectations of people in your life. That's so, so important. Have an understanding. Take a spouse.

Yeah.

Your spouse next to yourself is the most important person in your entire life. My partner, yeah. Right? Yeah, it is. Two become one. Right. You need to take enough exhortations and understanding that you're gonna level up with them. You're gonna grow with them. You're not gonna separate each other out because one person's focusing on growing and the other person's like, ah, screwed up taking the relationship for advantage. Like I tell my wife I love her every day. I kiss her love, I kiss her goodbye. It doesn't matter because you know what? I I want to grow. I want that love to grow and last longer. You always talk to people who are married 40, 50 years, and they always say the same thing. Try every single day. Do not take it for granted.

Grow with that person. And you're accountable for continuing to try, and Sarah takes accountability for continuing to try. Yeah. Continue to cry and grow there.

Be frank with each other. Like, this is a silly example, but ties in, and I'm really getting better at this. If your wife wears a dress that looks like shit on her, what do you say?

You want me to be honest? Yeah. I tell the truth. That's me. Good. I'm sorry. Oh, good. Yeah, I don't lie.

Turns into an argument. I used to think happy wife, happy life, and the happy answer used to be like, Oh, I don't look screwed on you. No, bro. I learned, no, that's not the way to make a relationship. You're not growing with each other and helping each other. But some people cannot take the truth, man. But you why do you want to be with someone that cannot take the truth? If for me, like personally, when my wife is honest with me, it's a sense of relief. It's like this is who she really is. This is a sense of I I love that about her.

She tells me exactly what, like, not what I want to hear, but what I need to hear. And I noticed that you search for those characteristics in people too. All the time. People that are authentic and can tell you no holes bars. Yo, this is what I think.

How tired of you as walking around and people say, hey y'all, how you doing?

Good.

Go ahead, have a good day. What the fuck does that come in? They don't give a rat's ass. No, everyone's too self-absorbed in their own lives. No one gives a rat ass about how you actually feel them. So why ask?

That's why when they say that, you know, how you doing bad. No one's expecting that reply. I'm not doing well. Just try that one day. And reply bad and see how they react because they're expecting everyone, generic answer that everyone gives. I'm good. No, then they get pissed off. Shit, I have to listen to them.

You gotta listen to that.

So they start rolling their eyes. You know what? Like, I'm learning as an adult that time is so precious. Just have real honest conversations with people. Like, really get to know somebody. I was talking uh two days ago to a cousin that I really haven't had a nice conversation with in I think forever. She was in Florida, like we're distant. She spoke on the phone for two hours. And I got off the phone and I felt really good. The the attorney? That one or no? No. And us like I feel like I know her. Yeah, that's it. And like I feel like she knows me. We ask each other's questions, we listened, we didn't interrupt each other. That's it. We like bonded on a deeper level than I've never really experienced before. Yeah. Like once in a while, it's like it's refreshing.

It's refreshing. Yeah, it felt good. Like, you know what it is? Let me tell you what it is. When that feeling that you felt, the reason why you felt so good is because it it added, it's an addition to your life. I now know someone out there cares about me. That's what that feeling is. I feel good because I connected with someone and it confirmed that I have a cousin that genuinely cares about me. A lot of times, that entrepreneur, and just as an adult, it's very few people that you feel really care about you. You know what taught me that skill? What? What the?

Podcasting. Really? Okay. How to deep connect with people. Yeah. How to have listen. People suck at listening.

Yeah.

And this is what happens. Yeah, I'll start speaking, and the first three seconds I'm already coming with an answer in my head and I want to spew it. I'm not letting you finish.

That's one of my problems I had. I used to jump. My dad used to tell me, you gotta wait. And I think listening is a huge. And sometimes just listening is a skill set that most don't ever acquire. They just don't. And you don't understand how powerful. Some people just need a vent, dude. And that took me, speaking for myself, that took me years to learn that sometimes you just gotta listen. And I'll bring this as an example before I go. Going into Calibur, we kind of went off tour, but this is great. This is one of the reasons why a lot of people commit suicide. They don't have anyone that listens to them. Someone's always trying to tell them what to do, cutting them off. Oh, it's not that serious, Anthony, belittling them, dismissing them. So guess what they do one day when you wake up in the bathroom door, you see them hanging in a bathroom. They had no one to listen. And this brings, and for some reason, I always think of this gentleman, Anthony Bourdain, you're familiar with who he is? That was one of the reasons. Felt alone. So taking accountability in that sense, where you can, you, you can grow in in every aspect, every different relationships that you have, whether it's an employer, employee, spouse, whatever the case is, by learning to heal yourself first, love yourself first, but how asking yourself each and every day, how can I make my wife or partner happier? And one of those things may be just listening to the person and not making them feel alone and see how the dynamic of the relationship changes through time by acquiring that skill set to listen. You just talk about your cousin. You said something. You said we didn't interrupt each other. Why did you say that? Because that's a trait that usually people don't have. They don't have the ability to sit down and listen. So it's just refreshing to run across a cousin or, you know, a long-lost friend where they can sit down and talk about each other's lives and not be interrupted and feel like now I know someone genuinely cares about it. But not only that, I'm assuming now moving forward, that's somebody you're going to speak to more often. Oh, definitely. Because of that. But it starts with taking accountability. Good episode, man. Good episode.

I think just I think to summarize, look at all relationships you have in your life. Ask yourself, am I better off having this relationship or not having this relationship? That's the question.

Some people can't get their in. That's you know why another reason why people can't get their in? It's because they know the answer. They know you gotta let the person go. So they avoid asking. But it's not always, it's not always the answer to let the person go.

Most of the time I do believe it is, though. It matters about the second part. Did you set the expectations? Okay, I think we are. You can't blame someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yet again, not taking accountability. Yeah. Did I set the boundaries and expectations? So is this relationship better for me? Did I set the boundaries and expectations with that person? Am I willing, am I gonna be growing with this person and be better off around them in the lives? And it's gonna be a win-win for both of us. It needs to be mutual benefiting on all relationships, everything.

Yeah.

Employee, employer, coworker, friends, family, spouse. Everything needs to be a win-win. Yep, you're right.

Give it a good thing.

Then you can take it, make a decision of whether or not to step out, but you step out unmotionally. Because if you be emotional about it, that means there's a vertical relationship dynamic to it. And you want everything to be horizontal because you're set in your own mind and you have the courage to truly be disliked. And that's where Illyrian psychology fits perfectly into making accountability used as leverage. So for you guys, that just helped me. Comment below. Someone in your personal life, co-worker, family, friend, and think about how you could take accountability and use that as leverage in that relationship for a win-win for both of you. We'll see you next time.

And before we go, comment below what you learned from this episode. I just learned about the Adelarian psychology in terms of horizontal relationships and vertical. Comment below if it helped you, if you knew about it. I think that's awesome. I'm gonna apply that to my life. Ask someone to talk to about that. I like that. Thanks, man. That was dope, bro. Catch you guys next time. Peace.